


I'm Never Going to Let You Go

by redhotpandas



Series: Crying Means I Love You [3]
Category: 1917 (Movie 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Crying, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23978320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhotpandas/pseuds/redhotpandas
Summary: Will just couldn’t do it anymore. Tom had to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Tom Blake/William Schofield
Series: Crying Means I Love You [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725433
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	I'm Never Going to Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prequel to Long-Lasting Love, where Will and Tom are living together at university and they are in a relationship. I wanted to write more stuff about depressed Will from uni before they got together, and how that would affect Tom.
> 
> At this point I don't think I can stop writing 1917 fics so please comment what you'd like to see in a fic homies

Tom smiled as he felt Will sit down next to him. “You finally came!” he exclaimed. “Honestly, I was a bit worried when you missed so much class… ” he trailed off as he saw Will’s face. It was like stone. Tom knew he should say something, but he had never seen Will like this before.

“What’s wrong, Scho? Are you sick?” he asked, tentatively touching Will’s arm. The touch seemed to break Will’s demeanor. 

Will bit his lip. “I’m fine.”

“Well you don't _look_ fine!” Tom hissed, grabbing onto him.

“Fucking _stop!_ ” Will seethed, looking around to see if anyone was watching. He yanked himself from Tom’s grip. 

Seeing Tom’s face, Will sobered. “I’m sorry.” He propped his arms up on the table and buried his face in his hands. “I didn’t mean to get angry. I just… I need to talk to you after class. Meet me in the hallway when everyone’s gone.”

Before Tom could reply, class began. He resigned himself to peeking at Will every few seconds when he was supposed to be taking notes. Will wasn’t taking notes either. Come to think of it, he didn’t seem to have any of his usual materials with him at all. 

“Where’re your things?” Tom tried to whisper, but Will pretended not to hear him. If this kept up, Tom was going to get a stomachache from the sheer amount of worry he was feeling. 

Halfway through class, Will left to go to the restroom, and he didn’t come back for a while. At this point, Tom’s leg was jumping. He didn’t dare breathe until finally, Will was at his side again. Will’s eyes were red. He knew Tom saw it, so to shut him up, he took his hand and laced their fingers together. And it worked. Tom couldn’t help but flush, even with how strangely Will was acting. 

Time dragged on until class was dismissed. Will made him wait until they were the last ones out the door, keeping hold of his hand to pull him along. As soon as they made sure no one was in the hallway, Tom started with, “What the hell is going on with you?” 

“I can explain.” Will said at the same time. 

Tom crossed his arms. “Go on, then.”

“Right.” Will stared at him. “I’m sorry I worried you. But I’ve just been thinking about how much I’m going to miss you.”

“Yeah, I’ll miss you too. But we’ll see each other soon enough?” 

“No, I’m not talking about break. I’m dropping out,” Will said unceremoniously. 

“You couldn’t possibly drop out!” Tom cried. “You don’t even have that much time left! And your grades aren’t even that bad, trust me. If you’re worried about failing because of all the class you missed, I’m sure you can figure something out--”

“Tom,” Will interjected. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

Tom closed his mouth. 

“But I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself if I hadn’t,” Will continued. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, so.” He became quiet. “Thanks for putting up with me until now.” 

“Hey, we’re still friends, though,” Tom reassured. “Right?”

Will shook his head. “Yes, although I don’t know why.” When Tom raised his eyebrows, he hastily added, “I mean, I don’t know why _you’re_ friends with _me_. What made you decide?”

If only Will knew how Tom really saw him. _Because you were, and still are beautiful,_ he thought. “Because you looked sad. You looked like you needed a friend.”

“Oh, Tom,” Will sighed, and it all but broke Tom’s heart. “I’m going to miss you so, _so_ much.” He stepped forward, and they embraced. As they were hugging, Tom murmured, “Don’t forget that I love you.”

As he pulled away, Tom noticed Will had silently started to cry. “I really am sorry.” He turned away. “I have to go.”

Tom just watched him. He hadn’t sounded like he was sorry for only leaving.

Will had lied to Tom so easily. He’d just opened his mouth and excuses came out, which Tom seemed to believe. But every time he looked at him, he felt so guilty that it made him sick. He had to go excuse himself to bawl his eyes out in the bathroom even though he was a grown adult. Tom didn’t deserve this. And Will didn’t deserve Tom. 

He hadn’t expected saying goodbye to make him feel so shitty. Will knew he was selfish. He needed Tom more than the other needed him, he was sure of it. He almost wanted to tell him the truth, just so Tom would take care of him. But Will didn’t need to be pitied. He didn’t need to waste Tom’s time any longer. But when Tom had said those words, Will couldn’t help it. He broke again. He had allowed himself to imagine, if only for a moment, that he was worthy of love. That he didn’t have to do this. But even Tom couldn’t fix all his problems. 

Will unlocked his flat and slipped his shoes off once he was inside. His life was simply a culmination of disappointment and this was the head of it. Will had already quit his job and given some of his things away. He wasn’t going to miss any of it.

He sat down on his bed for a minute to rest. Everything today had hit him, _hard_ , and he was drained. He couldn’t wait for things to be over. 

Will was going to kill himself, if that hadn’t been obvious enough. He hated his parents, he hated school, he hated his life. He hated his sister’s shitty hand life dealt her, he hated that he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated that he couldn’t stop pushing Tom away. He hated that he could never catch up to anyone. He didn’t feel like a person anymore. 

Will looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like he hadn’t slept, because he hadn’t. He pushed his hair back. Was this supposed to be what he looked like? Fuck, his stomach hurt and he hadn’t even taken the pills yet. Probably because he hadn’t eaten anything. Wonderful.

He stared at the bottle. When he thought about what his life would be like tomorrow if he didn’t take them, he could only envision the same things he did every day for the past year. Everything he did was meaningless and frustrating. He could save himself the trouble. 

Thinking about that seemed to do the trick. Will took them all with some water from the sink. Then he went back to bed and tucked himself in. Not feeling anything almost felt good. 

Tom couldn’t stand how Will had looked when he had said goodbye. The only way to describe it was that he looked like he had given up. Tom knew he could help him come up with some solution so that he didn’t have to drop out. He needed Will to stay. No one could replace him. 

He knew Will didn’t mind if he dropped by unannounced, but Tom still texted him. He was used to Will taking a while to text back; hopefully he actually saw the message and was just preoccupied. Tom didn’t want to walk in on him… doing anything. He shook his head. Tom had told Will that he loved him, and Will had said he was sorry.

Tom knocked on Will’s door. “Will!”

No answer. He tried again. Still nothing. That was odd; Tom knew that Will was usually home then. If Will was taking a nap or something, he should leave him alone. Tom turned to leave, but he just felt so bad about everything, so he decided to at least try the knob. It was unlocked.

Hesitantly, he stepped inside. Usually Will kept his place immaculate, but now it seemed like he couldn’t be bothered. It wasn’t much of a mess, however, since Will lived alone. No Will to be found right now, though. Tom became increasingly uncomfortable, standing alone in Will’s flat. He texted him again, only to hear what was probably Will’s phone buzz in the other room. So he _was_ asleep. 

On impulse, he opened the door to the bedroom, just to check on him. Will had the blankets pulled up all the way, so only his hair was visible. At least Will was finally getting some sleep for once. 

Tom stopped in the bathroom, noticing an empty pill bottle lying open in the sink. His heart leapt into his throat, and he took a step back. _Surely this doesn’t mean anything,_ he thought as he snatched it up to look at it, but he had no idea what kind of medicine it was supposed to be. 

Will had seemed alright, but Tom hadn’t really looked at him. He rushed back to the bedroom and threw open the door. “Will. Will!” Tom shook his shoulder. Will didn’t stir at all. Tom yanked the covers down, exposing Will’s face. He looked like he was dead. 

Tears welled up in Tom’s eyes. Was Will even breathing? No. He wasn’t. Tom couldn’t give up on him, though. He needed to think! He needed to call an ambulance. With shaking fingers he dialed the number. He tried to listen, but everything felt like it was underwater; everything was moving in slow motion. Something about _do not force him to throw up_ when he told them about the pills, something about cpr if he wasn’t breathing. Fuck, Tom was so relieved he was actually familiar with it. Tom scrambled onto the bed to get into a better position and began pumping Will’s chest. The operator told him to stay on the phone while they sent somebody out. 

Tears dripped onto him. Tom hadn’t realized he was sobbing. “Come on, Will, _please!_ ”

Tom’s arm’s shook from fatigue. Suddenly someone was touching him, pulling him away, but he couldn’t let go, Will needed him! He tensed, but then realised it was the paramedics who had come in. One was speaking to him. “We’ll take it from here.”

Numbly he stepped back and watched it all happen. His tears had stopped a while ago. 

They put Will on the stretcher and he tried to follow, but was stopped. “Listen, you’re going to have to follow us to the hospital. Do you think you can do that?”

Tom nodded. He watched them take Will away. 

There was only one way he could get to the hospital. He was going to have to take Will’s old car, and it didn’t even start the first time. Tom felt like throwing up while he tried the ignition again. Once he got onto the road, he was at the hospital. He didn’t remember getting there.

Tom hated hospitals. They reminded him of when his mum had cancer. He all but ran up to the desk. He couldn’t think.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t give you any information unless you are a family member…”

Tom’s ears rang. “Please! I need to know if he’s all right!”

“I’m sorry--”

It sunk in, how he simply wouldn’t be able to make sure if Will was okay. Clenching his teeth to stop himself from breaking down, he walked out. He just couldn’t seem to get anything right.

Tom didn’t see Will for a long time. After Will recovered from having his stomach pumped, he had been put in the psychiatric ward for about a week. Then, his parents took him home, despite how much he wanted to refuse. Tom had tried to contact Will in that time, but Will had only started answering his messages recently. 

_Hey, how are things at home?_

A few days passed before Will replied. 

_Hey Tom. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I hate it here._ It was good to know Will was still his matter-of-fact self. _I can’t wait to see you again._

That got Tom’s pulse racing. _You’re coming back?_

This time, Will was up. _Yes. My parents think I should at least try to finish the year out._

Tom could hear the bitterness behind it. But Will was finally talking to him! 

_I’m gonna call you rn._

_Why?_

Because he wanted to hear Will’s voice? Because he needed to know if it was really him?

_I just want to. What are you gonna do about it?_

_Just call me already._

So Tom did. 

“Hey, Tom.”

“Will…” It was as if all of the events of the past few weeks left Tom’s mind. All he could think to say was, “I really did miss you… Still do, in fact.”

“I know. I do too. I… thought about you a lot.” Will said, as if that didn’t make Tom blush. “When we see each other again, I need to tell you something.”

“You can tell me now, if you want.”

“I would, but I think I’d better tell you in person.”

So Tom waited. Will was coming back. To him. 

At last, the day had finally come. Tom was in class when Will messaged him _Aren’t you going to come see me?_ Which was kind of uncharacteristic for Will, but maybe he was just in his own head. It wasn’t like he was a _hundred percent_ better. Tom abruptly left class and walked to Will’s flat. Will opened the door.

Tom looked at him. He looked… normal. Maybe a slightly different haircut, different clothes… but still the same Will he knew. And he was alive.

Tom willed himself to keep the tears he didn’t know he still had at bay. But when he met Will’s eyes, he discovered that Will was already crying, with a huge fucking smile on his face. He held out his arms and let himself be fiercely hugged by Tom. 

“Everything I wanted to say for so long doesn’t seem to matter anymore,” Tom said into Will’s shirt. “I’m just glad to see you again.” He swallowed. “I was so scared. Really.”

Will squeezed Tom tighter. “Tom,” he choked out. “You’ve always been there for me. I guess I just thought I didn’t deserve it. I don’t think I could ever say sorry enough, for everything.”

“So don’t say it, then,” Tom said softly. “Just know I’m never going to let you out of this hug.”

Will laughed wetly. 

“I mean it. I’m never going to let you go.”


End file.
